After my mother died, every supposedly joyous occasion had a pall thrown over it. Without her, it was hard to celebrate. Without her, everything felt empty. When my father-in-law lost his mother (my husband's grandmother) just a month before the holidays last year, I understood, in my own way, a bit of what he and his siblings would endure. Each time I witness someone losing a … [Read more...]
“It’s Okay Not To Be Okay”: What I Learned From Sitting With My Grief
This article originally appeared in Write Away under the title "Weeping May Endure" and is reprinted here by permission. A friend of mine suffered a grave loss three years ago. When it happened, it stirred up something in me. I do not deny the beauty and compassion and generosity that course through our world, but there is also much malice and hardship and loss. We humans … [Read more...]
3 Uncomfortable Questions You Should Rethink Asking
No query is universally benign. Some questions shouldn’t be asked of a particular person; others shouldn’t be posed at a certain time. Under more circumstances than you might think, innocently intended inquiries can feel like interrogations, even when proffered without malice. In other words, there are no innocent questions. I hope we can all extend grace to one another in … [Read more...]
I’m a Married Christian Woman Who Doesn’t Want Children — And That’s Okay
As a Christian woman who has no desire to procreate, I’ve often felt like an anomaly or a mutant. In the various church communities I’ve called home at one time or another, I haven’t been aware of a significant number of Christian women like me: women who are happily married, without children, and who remain childless intentionally and unapologetically. For a long time, I was … [Read more...]
Religious Freedom: Are You Actually Propagating Prejudice With Your “Beliefs”?
I am a Christian. Simply put, I believe in God, Jesus, and the veracity of the Bible. I also love science. I do not think those two things are mutually exclusive. You may disagree. That’s fine with me. I am deeply troubled by what certain Christians are saying. I hereby declare that they don’t communicate for me. I do not presume to speak for anyone other than myself, but I … [Read more...]
3 Black Feminists Who Lived Radical Self-Love
I am a writer, and as such I am also a lover of words. The way some people might admire a pair of shoes, a car, or a work of art, I appreciate the masterful manipulation of language — especially when the message is both beautiful and intelligent. I regularly find inspiration between two quotation marks. My literary heroes are those who can use words like paint on a … [Read more...]
One Way To Honor MLK: Please Stop Saying You’re Colorblind
This article was originally published on Write Away and is republished with permission. “I don’t see race. I’m colorblind.” I’ve heard it said many times, and I’m confident the speaker always meant well. However, those words have never made me feel better. The intention is well meaning, but the words, at best, are misleading—suggesting that the impossible is feasible. … [Read more...]
“You Are Not Alone”: Uncovering the Dark Secret of Black Women and Sexual Abuse
Rape was not explained to me. No one sat me down and told me what it was. When I was a young girl, I heard a news story about a rape in Central Park—the park my school took us to for physical education and recess, so I paid attention. The victim’s face was slashed during the attack—cut with a broken bottle, I think. So for the longest time, I used to think that being raped … [Read more...]
Perfectly Natural: Tales of a Recovering Perfectionist
Have you ever drawn a realistic-looking tree? I haven’t. Creating lifelike visual representations of nature with my own hands (drawing, painting, sculpting) does not come easily to me. I have a hard time with such things because I’m wired to pursue symmetry. I’m a recovering perfectionist. I like precise circles, straight lines, and right angles. Up until I began to fear I’d … [Read more...]
Let’s Stop Comparing Ourselves: 6 Ways Jealousy Is Stealing Your Self-Love and How To Stop It
Comparison is corrosive. It eats away at my ability to be content and confident. It is a poison that kills the love I have for myself. Comparison is a thief of joy, and jealousy is often its partner in crime. Whether I’m comparing my body, abilities, or bank account to someone else’s, I do harm to myself if I allow that comparison to rob me of my self-satisfaction and … [Read more...]
Why I Don’t Wear Makeup
At an early age, I learned to associate cosmetics with performance — pretending, dancing, or acting. As an aspiring ballerina at Miss Janet’s Dance Studio, I wore makeup for the annual recital. My mother, who never wore makeup, would spread shadow on my eyelids and apply lipstick to my lips and cheeks. I saw cosmetics as being another part of my costume. The makeup was for my … [Read more...]
Rejecting Perfectionism and Learning To Love My Scars
Even though I know no body is perfect — unblemished — it’s very difficult for me to come to terms with acquiring a new scar. The moment I start to feel the physical pain, I also begin berating myself for being careless — or wishing I could go back in time to not do the thing that will leave a permanent mark. In addition to being aesthetically unpalatable to me as a recovering … [Read more...]
Depression Is Not a Weakness: Recognizing Your Strength In the Process
When I find myself lying in bed beneath the invisible weight of depression, I often call myself lazy. It is unjust, especially because the misdiagnosis leads to the wrong set of antidotes. Depression is not sloth. You don’t tell someone with a broken leg to go for a long run in order to feel better. You give her a cast and crutches. You let him sit down. There is a difference … [Read more...]
Going Gray: Learning to Love My Changing Body
Each of my grandmothers has reached an age when the price they must pay for passage into a new year of life has grown almost insurmountable. They are bedridden, spending their days unable to fully enjoy the beautiful island on which they live, the sensation of the hot Caribbean sun, or the temperate ocean waters upon their skin. They do not go for leisurely walks or quickly run … [Read more...]
