Slut shaming is a method of degradation directed at another person (usually a woman) for being sexual or for projecting her sexuality.
I am an Army Officer, currently deployed. During this deployment, I have encountered many moments of both blatant and subtle sexism. Often, it is considered normal, and it is not corrected. It is nothing less than slut shaming.
One day, while I was walking to the DFAC (dining facility) to get a lunch, a friend of mine decided to impart some “knowledge” about me. She told me that I needed to be more careful about my clothing choices because people were talking. In fact, they had been talking about my choice of clothing since I had arrived in the unit back in May of 2013.
Because I was deployed, I knew she wasn’t referring to my booty poppin’ club dress. No, she was referring to my workout pants, athletic tops, blue jeans, and sweaters. (I am deployed to a non-hazardous zone, which has allowed me to bring along a small amount of civilian clothing.) Purple capri stretch pants, short-sleeved athletic top, Joe’s “curvy” jeans, and a polka-dot sweater seemed to be the new Look-At-What-She’s-Wearing clothing line in question.
The news surprised me, and I felt like I needed a moment to let the information sink in, so I made up an excuse to wash my hands, and I rushed into the latrine. I wanted to process the information alone before I faced the mass of soldiers eating lunch. After leaving the latrine, I endured what I can only describe as a Long Walk of Shame. I had become hyperaware of the outfit I had chosen to wear — a pair of stretch boot-cut pants and a loose pink sweater.
Okay, I will just walk like I don’t have hips. At least, that way, my butt won’t be so noticeable.
I entered the DFAC with my friend and quickly applied my mask of confidence. I didn’t want any of the soldiers to sense that I was feeling extreme shamefulness for wearing something that showed I had a woman’s body.
What is everyone thinking? Who’s looking at me? Do they think I am trying to get their attention? Less hip sway… less hip sway!
After grabbing my food and focusing intently on not moving my hips while I walked, I found my seat and was relieved to sit and hide. One of my male colleagues sat down across from me soon after, and I asked him straight out, “Do you think I dress slutty?!”
He paused for a second and then turned to me and said, “Do you want the truth?”
Yes! Yes! Of course I want the truth. This is eating me alive!!
I answered him in a calm tone, “Yeah, I want the truth.” He delicately told me that my body made it impossible for me to wear something without the outfit becoming shameful.
I looked over to my friend, and I asked her, “When was the last time a soldier or officer talked about my ‘revealing’ outfit?”
She told me that there was a lot of talk after the SHARP (Sexual Harassment/Assault Response and Prevention) event, which focused on educating soldiers on how to reduce sexual assault and harassment. I asked her to tell me what was wrong with my outfit, and she responded with a deadpan expression, “Everything you wear is tight.”
Wait… what? I wear garments that fit correctly.
I tried to defend myself by explaining to her that jeans weren’t meant to be worn super loose, because ill fitting jeans ended up looking like you took a s*#! in them. She interrupted me.
Friend: “Remember when we first met?”
Me: “Yeah, we met at the zombie run.”
Friend: “I thought a private picked you up the night before because of your outfit.”
Me: “Huh? That makes no sense. There was nothing wrong with that outfit, and it’s the same one I wore to the SHARP event.”
Friend: “Exactly.”
I am confused. Why is she being so judgmental? That top was a long sleeve, with no cleavage showing… Is everyone insane?
My male colleague interjected and explained to me what was really going on. “The soldiers can’t have you. You are frustrating them, and they lack the ability to control themselves. So, as a method of coping, they will talk about you in order to project their sexual frustration onto you and make it your problem. Essentially, they are making it your fault.”
It took me two weeks to realize that I was being slut shamed. I was being slut shamed because I was lusted after. Two weeks of feeling ashamed was too long. I had my epiphany while I was getting dressed to go on a run. My outfit consisted of a men’s athletic t-shirt and a pair of capris with baggy running shorts over the top. I looked and felt ridiculous. I was really uncomfortable. I knew then, as I took one last glance in the mirror, that this was not my problem. I was not the one at fault.
Sisters (and brothers): It is not your issue if people cannot “control” themselves. Not a single one of you should have to change the way you dress — unless you deem it necessary to change.
I see myself as a smart, professional, and strong woman, and I will not conform to other people’s perceptions of where my body belongs amongst my clothes. If a shirt fits well, I will not be slut shamed. If pants fit correctly, I will not be slut shamed. I am no longer standing for it. I will not bow down to the will of others. It is not my problem if a man or woman is uncomfortable with my body.
I want you to choose what you want to wear and own it. Your body is your temple, and you should be allowed to dress in a baggy t-shirt or in a Gap long-sleeved top. Whatever you choose, you own it, and it is no one’s choice but yours. Do not feel ashamed, because even one second of feeling ashamed is too long.
[Headline image: The photograph features two people in military uniform, facing the American flag and saluting it.]