This piece was originally published by EverydayFeminism.com under the title "6 Questions to Ask If You Have More Privilege Than Your Partner" and is republished with permission. Content note: This article briefly alludes to suicidal ideation and eating disorders. I learned to be a girlfriend through ’90s American rom-coms. 90% of the time, I learned, I had to be … [Read more...]
7 Things My Loved Ones Got Right When I Came Out As Non-Binary
I didn't have the perfect experience coming out as transgender and non-binary. Many friends and acquaintances weren't able to change their perception of me and didn't understand the new terms I was using to describe myself. As I meet new people and make new friends, I still struggle daily with coming out. But I was lucky that there were a lot of things my loved ones did right … [Read more...]
How I Came to Honor My “Too Black” Name as a Black, Queer, Fat Woman
As a Black, queer, fat woman, I’m constantly aware of how I navigate most spaces. I’m constantly determining whether I can talk about my girlfriend. I’m constantly wondering whether I can eat what and how I want. And I’m constantly aware of how I’m speaking, from my tone to the words that I’m saying. Sometimes, these concerns come from a place of determining my safety. One … [Read more...]
Hot Sex After 50: 3 Myths and 3 Truths
As a longtime sex coach in my mid-50s, I find myself in a constant state of speaking truth to power when it comes to sex and aging. How is hot sex after 50 different from hot sex after 40? Or 20? How is it different from hot sex in the aftermath of divorce? Or during the hottest love affair of our lives? The point is: hot sex matters. It generates and releases energy. It … [Read more...]
Not Everyone’s “Born This Way”: How I Grew Into My Middle-Aged Trans Identity
Two years ago, I came out as queer, kinky, polyamorous, and transgender, all in the space of a few months. I’m not young; I'm approaching the age bracket known as “middle age.” In fact, I worried initially that my coming out explosion was some sort of midlife crisis brought on by reading too many queer comics and following too many trans Twitter accounts. Part of me shies away … [Read more...]
Thwarted Belonging and Reasons for Hope: Queer Black Trans Pain Matters
Content note: This article includes (non-graphic) discussion of a completed suicide. One of my closest friends died by suicide. The days after their death were jarring and bewildering. I carefully tried to drink water, only to involuntarily spit it up while sobbing. I tried to eat, only able to eat soup and beans. (To my horror, the hot Funyuns a friend offered made me … [Read more...]
7 Things Not to Say to a Child Wrestling With Their Sexuality
As a young person, I didn’t have any queer adult mentors to teach me about the positivity of exploring my sexual orientation, not to mention my gender identity. Most of what I learned about being LGBTIQ came from '90s mainstream media and my Gay Straight Alliance in high school. After high school, a couple of my friends eventually came out as gay. I listened and learned from … [Read more...]
Mixed-Race, Non-Binary, Queer Fat Femme: How I Fail and Succeed in Finding Liberation
I am a Black, mixed-race, fat, queer, non-binary person. Most saliently, I am femme. I have come to understand radical femmeness, femme magic, femme community, femme love, and femme power through my relationships with other womxn and femmes of color. While femme communities evoke safeness and security for me, they also often exist on the basis of trauma. Femininity leaves us … [Read more...]
Why I Started Intervening Early: Raising My Gay Son in a World of Toxic Masculinity
Things I have heard about having a son: “You’re lucky your son is gay. You won’t have to worry about him getting someone pregnant or treating women poorly." “It’s good you have a son because he can watch over your daughters.” “Boys are easier than girls. You don’t have to worry so much about them.” “It’s too hard a world for girls. It’s better to have sons. At least you … [Read more...]
El Amor Romantico Nos Mata: Quien Cuida De Nosotros Cuando Somos Solteros?
Soy una persona deprimida, pero deprimida es un verbo. Considero mi depresión como el resultado de una posición social y de la inevitable historia de colonización, racismo, del estigma de la gordura y de la discriminación. Estoy tomando antidepresivos, pero éstos solo pueden reprogramar la química de mi cerebro y no la realidad social y material en la que vivo. No puede … [Read more...]
3 Reasons We Need to Be Critical of Compulsory Sex Positivity in Queer Spaces
Sex positivity often acts as an implicit — or sometimes explicit — foundation of leftist, feminist, and LGBTQ+ spaces for completely valid reasons. As women and queers, sex has been the driving force behind both our oppression and the spaces we create to separate, heal, and liberate us from our oppression. Sexualized spaces for socializing predate our modern understanding of … [Read more...]
How I Navigate Talking to Kids About My Gender as a Trans Parent and Educator
Children are a distinct, purposeful focus in my life. I'm the parent of a brilliant six-year-old and have many close friends with delightful kids as well. I work as a substitute para-educator, a job that sends me to a plethora of classrooms, K-12, throughout my city. I'm also a transgender woman. People often connect children with trans issues, but outside the occasional … [Read more...]
Black Girls Cut Too: Self-Harm and Intergenerational Trauma
Content note: detailed references to self-harm methods I started burning myself at 15. A friend and I burned ourselves in an attempt to engrave a symbol on our arms. After going to the local mall and buying a book on witchcraft, we decided we needed a symbol of our commitment to our new two-person coven. We drew up a draft of our symbol containing our initials (S & T) and … [Read more...]
7 Pieces of Advice for Dating While You Are Non-Binary
Let's be real: the vast majority of dating advice is aggressively cisheteronormative. From popular magazines and dating advice books to talk shows and Bachelor Nation, we have a plethora of suggestions on how cishet, white, able-bodied, upper-middle-class folks can date each other within cishet, patriarchal structures. Fighting over the bill only to "let" the man pay, dressing … [Read more...]
