If I remember correctly, I was eight. I walked into the kitchen looking for a fork, and thought to myself, “hmm I am attracted to a girl in my class, so I guess that makes me bisexual. Hmmm,” grabbed my fork and went back to my room. I don’t remember learning the word, but I knew what it meant and how to use it. That is the earliest memory I have of me understanding what my … [Read more...]
Cultivating Interdependence: 3 Ways to Center Friendships While Being in a Committed Romantic Relationship
I’ll admit it: I’m guilty of codependency in my romantic relationships. The why has many answers, from battling debilitating anxiety and depression for the past two years that have made it hard to leave my house, to the fact that most of my friends have moved away from the city I live in. As I shifted careers and began solely working from home, my isolation increased, as did my … [Read more...]
5 Ways to Maintain Your Queer Identity in a Relationship People Read as Straight
This article originally appeared in EverydayFeminism.com and is reprinted by permission. In a way, there is a safety that comes with being out in public holding a boy’s hand. I’m seen as straight, feminine, the “right” sort of woman. Nobody harasses me, leering and telling me to kiss him so they can watch. Nobody calls me the d-word or threatens to “turn” me straight. As far … [Read more...]
“…But You Look Straight:” My Femme-Identity Does Not Invalidate My Queerness
My femme identity is rooted in conjuring up as much softness and pleasure as I can. This world can be incredibly hard and harmful, especially for marginalized folx. Femme-embodiment is my magic of choice to help me navigate through it all. As magic as is, it also prompts people to approach me with the “… but you look straight” comment upon ‘discovering’ my queerness. The … [Read more...]
Gender Has Got Me F*cked Up: Navigating the Pressure to Alter My Boi Body
writer's note: i write in lower case, it's my small rebellion. i’m mad. i’m mad that gender rules that dictate what is “appropriate dress” for female and male bodies have me thinking about surgically altering my body. i love my body. i love how it’s feminine and masculine at the same time. i love the curve of my belly and the muscle line when i flex my triceps. i love … [Read more...]
Learning to Love Without Filter: The Many Contortions In The World of Bisexuality
This article was originally published on Postmodern Woman and is republished with permission. “I want you to myself,” She whispered to me as her soft fingers curled through the baby hair growing on my neck. She twirled a few strands around her fingers and tugged, hard, as if to pluck them from my head. The actions mirrored her internal struggle. “I want you too … [Read more...]
Queer Versus Bi?: Why I’m Coming Back Around to “Bisexual”
This article originally appeared in Foglifter April 2016 and is reprinted by permission. There’s a box where my anxiety lives. This box is on OK Cupid. To check, or not to check: “I do not want to see or be seen by straight people.” A friend of mine quipped that it is the most satisfying box to check on the internet. Maybe for them. For me it is fraught with tension … [Read more...]
Dear Queer Black Activists: An Honest Letter About Desirability Politics Among Our Men
By: Jeff Baker, Guest Writer, Co-edited by Darryl Antonio Johnson Dear Queer Black Activists, As of late, the desirability politics among a lot of same-gender-loving (SGL) and queer Black men in my social network, many of whom happen to contribute some of society’s most groundbreaking racial justice work, has felt inescapable, and as a result, my mental health has suffered. … [Read more...]
The Good, the Bad and the Weird of Being Queer and Muslim
Both of my parents converted to Islam in the early 1970s, so I was born and raised as an African-American Muslim in the US. When I was younger, my connection to Islam, spirituality, and Allah was tenuous at times. I wouldn’t understand faith and spirituality in a deep way until I left home for college. This is the way for many people who were raised in religious … [Read more...]
Sex is Political: How I, as a Queer Black Man, Confronted My Anti-Blackness
Desire, oooh like fire...come on, baby, light my fire I used to lip sync for my life with these lyrics when I was a boy. I had no idea what En Vogue was referring to when they sang “Desire,” but that never stopped me from getting into the song. You could say the En Vogue record was my introduction to the concept of desire. I felt desire for the first time years … [Read more...]
Desire & Belonging: On Blackness, Femininity, and Queerness
This article was originally published on Rest for Resistance and is republished with permission. This is for the queer fat Black femmes. As children, we learn that we never occupy just one, but all, of our identities. Not a fat girl or a black girl, but a fat black girl. In elementary school, when everyone began talking about crushes, relationships, and desirability, … [Read more...]
You Are Only as Sick as the Secrets You Keep: Recovering From Alcoholism and the Colonizers’ Tools
Three years ago, I experienced a drug-induced mental health crisis during which the police were contacted by a close family friend of mine. I was subsequently beaten up by the police, tasered three times, and psychiatrically hospitalized against my will for six days. I identify as a survivor of police brutality and the mental health industrial complex. I have “swept my side … [Read more...]
When the Gender Binary Puts A Damper on Date Night
I am a cis queer femme woman partnered with a non-binary queer person. While I enjoy so many things about our five-year relationship, including the fact that people recognize me as queer when we are out together, my babe is basically misgendered wherever they go. Even by other queer people. It’s rare for them to have a validating experience when it comes to gender, especially … [Read more...]
How Do I Learn to Love Myself After a Breakup: Navigating Queer, Intercultural Love
Almost a year after separating from my partner, we had a second breakup. Our first breakup, though incredibly painful, was what I can only describe now as tender. After trying to surmount the difficulty of a nearly ten-year age difference, our romantic relationship ended upon the realization that I was not yet ready to ‘settle down’, and wanted more time to explore life as … [Read more...]
