I came of age during a moment when lesbian feminist culture was booming -– music festivals, women’s bookstores and lesbian feminist political projects were cropping up everywhere. And one of the most damaging and fallacious assumptions of that era was that women were inherently non-violent, that lesbian relationships offered a haven from abuse, that simply because our … [Read more...]
4 Ways Men Can Take On More Emotional Labor in Relationships (And Why We Should)
Relationships, by definition, require two or more parties to put forth some amount of emotional effort in order to keep the relationship afloat. Oftentimes one person takes on the brunt of the emotions—especially the negative or stressful emotions—that are produced in their relationships. This collective emotional give-and-take is called emotional labor; it’s the work and … [Read more...]
3 Reasons You Wouldn’t Believe My Ex Abused Me – And Why They All Mean You Should
This article was originally published on EverydayFeminism.com and is republished with permission. (Content Note: This article references partner abuse, include rape.) Here’s the truth: My ex-boyfriend abused me. He treated me worse than anyone outside of our relationship will ever know. Some of you might believe me if I told you. But I’ve heard over and over again the common … [Read more...]
6 Ways To Talk About STIs (Without Being a Jerk)
Whenever the topic of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) comes up, I secretly get excited and panicked at the same time. I get excited because, as a person with herpes, and specifically as a writer with herpes, I spend a lot of time considering the complexities of what it means to live in a shared body with a virus, particularly one on which society has imposed a code of … [Read more...]
Communication, Humor, and Experimentation: 10 Tips for Disabled Sex
I was a pretty typical teenager when it came to sex. I wanted it and wanted to know more about it. When the classes I took in school failed to tell me how sex happens for folks with disabilities, I turned to the resource kids in the '90s turned to for everything: Google. The results were terrifying. Most sites told me that good sex probably wasn’t possible and others were … [Read more...]
5 Common Behaviors Cis Men May Not Realize Are Abusive (And How To Stop Them)
This article was originally published on EverydayFeminsim.com and is republished with permission. I recently attended a presentation by Tony Porter, founder of A Call to Men. After watching his TED Talk, I was incredibly excited to see him speak because of how he demands of men that we consider the ways that all of us can act in abusive and violent ways. Seeing him in person, … [Read more...]
The Secret Cult of Loneliness
This article was originally published for PowellsBooks.org and is reprinted by permission from the writer. I have the distinct feeling I am not supposed to write this. As if by virtue of my melanin I have been contractually bound to an unspoken creed, the first two rules of Black Woman Fight Club: Rule #1: We do not talk about being lonely. Rule #2: We DO NOT talk about being … [Read more...]
Am I Queer Enough To Claim Queerness?
If I remember correctly, I was eight. I walked into the kitchen looking for a fork, and thought to myself, “hmm I am attracted to a girl in my class, so I guess that makes me bisexual. Hmmm,” grabbed my fork and went back to my room. I don’t remember learning the word, but I knew what it meant and how to use it. That is the earliest memory I have of me understanding what my … [Read more...]
7 Ways Social Justice Language Can Become Abusive in Intimate Relationships
This article originally appeared in EverydayFeminism.com and is reprinted by permission. "It’s that bone gnawed moment when you realize ‘The Community’ will do nothing to stop him from showing up at your backdoor in the middle of the night with the rifle he bought for the revolution” —Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha, “so what the fuck does consciousness mean anyway” There … [Read more...]
Living Inside the Contradictions: My Father’s Love and My Father’s Abuse
I've been thinking a lot lately about the polarized extremes that show up in our public discourse. It's nearly impossible to find a comment thread on the Internet in which people do not feel compelled to take only one position on an issue and to reject any contradiction, any paradox, any additional truths that might illuminate the issue in a more complex way. Perhaps we humans … [Read more...]
Own Your Sh*t: 5 Ways To Navigate Your Partner’s Wealth During the Holidays
The holidays are emotionally challenging for many reasons, but they take on a unique toll on working-class folks who end up in relationships with a partner who comes from a middle or upper-class background. As someone who grew up relatively poor with a single-mom who is currently under-employed, I have a complicated relationship to Christmas, but that became all the more … [Read more...]
Cultivating Interdependence: 3 Ways To Center Friendships While Being in a Committed Romantic Relationship
I’ll admit it: I’m guilty of codependency in my romantic relationships. The why has many answers, from battling debilitating anxiety and depression for the past two years that have made it hard to leave my house, to the fact that most of my friends have moved away from the city I live in. As I shifted careers and began solely working from home, my isolation increased, as did my … [Read more...]
Don’t Go Exhausted Trying To Fix It All: Learning Boundaries as a “Fixer”
I can’t really remember how young I was when I learned how to be the fixer in my family. I would imagine it happened around the time my brother was born. My mother had emergency gallbladder surgery not long after his birth. My family has always reminisced about what a good big sister I was, because I helped with whatever my mom needed. She wasn’t supposed to lift much, but I … [Read more...]
6 Points to Consider When Asking Why Queer Women Date Masculine Women “Instead of Just Dating a Guy”
Editor's note: This article was originally published on Everyday Feminism as "An Answer to 'Why Is She Dating a Masculine Woman Instead of Just Dating a Guy?" and is republished here with their permission. Maybe you’ve heard it, been asked it, or wondered about it yourself: why do queer women and lesbians date masculine-presenting women instead of just dating a cisgender … [Read more...]
Dating While Trans: From Victim to Partner
[Content warning: Sexually explicit language] I’ve written quite extensively about my experience of dating cis people while trans — specifically, while being a female-assigned-at-birth boy, with a vulva, who is sexually and romantically attracted to men. I’ve tried on and tolerated several labels for who I am: gay trans man, trans fag, and during my more desperate, crude … [Read more...]
10 Ways To Know When Love Isn’t Love: “Stay Away From People Who Make You Feel Like You’re Hard to Love”
I was raised, taught, and socialized to believe that love is pain. That love is unfair. Raised a woman, I was taught, socialized -- brainwashed -- to believe that love means sacrifice. That as a woman I must martyr myself. That as a woman my value comes from martyring myself to the highest bidder, even if he endeavors to own me, even if he never tries to see past my … [Read more...]
The Body Is Not an Apology
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