I met Gregory for the first time on October 4, 2003. Our first date—arranged via Match.com as an early-afternoon coffee at a downtown cafe—ended 9½ hours later, when waitstaff at the nearby Thai restaurant we had relocated to, The Happy Smile, finally shooed us out the door. Although he and I did not get married until the following December, we decided to use Oct 4, 2003 as … [Read more...]
#MeToo: Will My Son Grow up to be a Rapist?
After the flurry of #MeToo’s had died down in my social media feed, it was not fears for my daughter which kept me awake that night. Not because I know she won't be violated at some point in her life. She will, unless she's exceedingly lucky, because living in our abusive culture means it is practically inevitable. My job is to love and educate her as hard as I can, which also … [Read more...]
“You Deserve to Heal:” 4 Steps to Move Through Survivor’s Guilt
CN: sexual violence, abuse In many methods of healing from trauma, confronting shame is often central to the process. Free up shame, get out from under the blame placed on survivors, and healing is supposed to get easier. Yet when survivor’s guilt goes unaddressed, it’s easy to fall into the pattern of prioritizing other people’s needs over individual needs. Survivors … [Read more...]
6 Ways To Support a Friend After a Sexual Assault
A note: We’re in the middle of what appears to be a watershed moment as far as men’s sexual assault and sexual harassment against women. It seems like every week, we learn about a new barrage of accusations leveled against famous men in the media and entertainment industry. I’m not an optimist, so I don’t have faith that this is ushering in a new moment where men will now and … [Read more...]
Of Monsters and Mirrors: Weinstein, Me, Franken, and You
Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes.) --Walt Whitman I’d like for us to start in the middle, with Harvey, because he is in a unique position. I believe he might be the one predator most of us agree is guilty, no matter our politics, because of a few factors. First, apart from his surname, Harvey … [Read more...]
Beyond #MeToo: BURN IT DOWN
Me too. Many of us have typed these words this week, many of us couldn’t bring ourselves to – or not publicly, anyway. As part of a sexual assault awareness campaign started by Tarana Burke, survivors of sexual violence wrote these two simple words on social media feeds. It helped survivors know that they were not alone, and it also served as a tool to show men how prevalent … [Read more...]
What are Body Memories? And How to Heal Them…
What are body memories? Your body, believe it or not, remembers everything. Sounds, smells, touches, tastes. But the memory is not held in your mind, locked somewhere in the recesses of your brain. Instead, it’s held in your body, all the way down at the cellular level. Ever notice how, on a stage full of professional dancers, everyone still moves in their own way? That’s … [Read more...]
Black Women’s Safety: Why Accountability Is ProBlack
I am my father’s first daughter. For a large part of my first 16 years on this earth, my father raised me by himself. Oftentimes this meant my daddy had to do for me many of the things mamas are resigned to doing because they are the female parent and, therefore, usually expected to know what’s best for the wellbeing of a little black girl. This meant if someone was going … [Read more...]
#MeToo: A Letter to The Women Who Exclude Trans & Non-binary People from “Safe Spaces”
A letter to those who exclude nonbinary trans folk from your safe spaces: I started living my truth as transgender and nonbinary almost a year ago. I’ve been out as queer for many years. And I’ve been in this feminine body my entire life. It’s been a complicated journey, especially for someone who grew up in the South wearing GRITS merch. Having gone through the whole … [Read more...]
Healing From Sexual Abuse Must Be Both Individual and Communal
By: Gina Goldblatt, Founder of Liminal As a child and young adult I experienced covert sexual abuse, a phrase coined by Ken Adams, described by Bob Weiss as “more subtle... indirect, sexualized use/abuse of a child” and it “involves indirect (not hands on) sexuality — sexuality that is implied or suggested rather than physically acted out." I learned this phrase that named … [Read more...]
“You Are Not Alone:” Uncovering the Dark Secret of Black Women and Sexual Abuse
Rape was not explained to me. No one sat me down and told me what it was. When I was a young girl, I heard a news story about a rape in Central Park—the park my school took us to for physical education and recess, so I paid attention. The victim’s face was slashed during the attack—cut with a broken bottle, I think. So for the longest time, I used to think that being raped … [Read more...]
Handsome Monsters, Nice-guy Rapists, and Success: A Response to Brock Turner
This article was originally published by The Big and Little World: Awe, Outrage and Hope and is republished with permission. Brock Turner got out “for good behavior” today. Throw him a fish for having honked a horn. Scratch his ears for not pooping on the floor. Reward him for the basic behavior that is incentivized though he failed at the most human thing: kindness when there … [Read more...]
9 Ways to Be Accountable When You’ve Been Abusive
This article originally appeared in EverydayFeminism.com and is reprinted by permission. As I sit in my bed and begin to type (beds are my favorite typing places), there is a part of me that says,Don’t write this article. There is a part of me that still resonates deeply with the fear and shame that surround the topics of abuse and intimate partner violence – the taboo that … [Read more...]
Why As a Man, I Need Feminism
Originally published on aymankuzbari.blogspot on November 2012, published with permission. "I am a feminist." This statement has caused several kinds of reactions when coming from me, a male. Ranging from an inquisitive if not suspicious "why?" to sweet praise borne not out of understanding, but rather out of amazement if not amusement. And yet the one reaction I've … [Read more...]
